The Platypus & Other Things I'm Thankful For

With Thanksgiving just a few days away, I am going to share some of the things I am thankful for:

I am thankful that since Hollywood has already bastardized Bewitched there doesn’t appear to be any news that they’ll turn Cheers into a movie, starring Kristen Stewart. Because that shit would be so wrong, on so many levels.

I am thankful my husband does not have a Twitter account so he can’t make good on his threat to Tweet: “Things my wife says and does, that have to be seen and heard to believe.”

I am thankful for Donald Duck getting frisky with a beaver and procreating the platypus. Every time I read the word, platypus, it makes me smile. I like to smile. I’m thankful I can smile.

I am thankful for the 86,400 seconds I have every single day, living.

I am thankful for Google, as it allowed me to search how many seconds there are in a day because it makes me look smart. Doesn’t it?

I am thankful for the delete button on my keyboard which seems to have magic powers of its own. The Magic Big D (as I like to call it) has shielded me from a horrible fate, after I’ve pressed it and abolished chain emails.

I am thankful for my critique partners who don’t call the Waaamhbulance any time I sink into the “I sucketh cave.” 

I am thankful for my brothers and sister who told me I must have been adopted, (just because I’m the quiet and shy one in the family and the only one with freckles). This comes in handy when they do something odd and I can pull out the: I’m not related to them card.

I am thankful to Al Gore for inventing the Internet as I’ve met and chatted with wonderful, funny and supportive people.

I am thankful for my husband’s quick wit:

Me while in the kitchen, baking: ”Honey, can you bring me a pen and paper, I have stuff coming out of my head.”

Hubby: ”Don’t you usually use a Kleenex for that?”

I am thankful to the Queen of England who recently celebrated her Jubilee, as it gave my husband more opportunity to make me smile.

Me: ”I think they should call it the Cherry Jubilee, sounds more interesting.”

Hubby: “That would be the Dairy Queen.”

I am thankful to my parents who sailed the ocean blue so many years ago, leaving their motherland behind and giving us a healthy, good life on this side of the ocean. (Although, if the Internet were around back then, they could have Googled the weather and may have boarded a ship heading to a warmer area.)

Most of all, I am thankful for:

The ability to love and receive love.

For being me.

My family—blood-related and bonus family members.

Friendships.

For my eighth grade teacher who gave me the nickname Scout after one of my favorite fictional characters, and encouraged me to write.

For the readers who plunk down their hard-earned money to buy my books.

To my author friends, the ones I connect with and chat with and authors who I’ve never chatted with, but appreciate their talent as they give me endless reading joy.

I know, this is sounding like an Oscar speech, but, “You like me, really like me. Don’t you?” :)

Our fur baby, he’s a great listener.

For all the unsung heroes: sanitary workers, farmers, doctors, nurses, police, fire fighters,  military men & women, volunteer workers, daycare workers, teachers, the Spanx inventor…(the list is endless).

Thankful for all of you who have stuck with me today and read this far.

From our home to your homes, wishing you a happy, healthy, smiling, Thanksgiving that will last throughout the whole year.

About Selena Robins:

Genre-defying, witty, humorous, suspenseful, romantic and sexy— words used to describe Selena’s novels. A self-professed foodie and chocolate guru, Selena loves to dance with her dog, sing into her hairbrush and write in her PJ’s. In love with her family, friends, books, laughter, hockey, lively discussions and red wine (sometimes all at the same time). Selena is a dragon slayer who enjoys reading and writing sassy heroines and hot heroes (the ones your mamma warned you about, but secretly wished she’d dated a few in her life).

Selena Robins is the author of the contemporary, romantic-comedy with a splash of suspense and a good helping of sensuality; WHAT A GIRL WANTS and a short story; TEMPTED BY AN ANGEL.

For more information, please visit Selena on her website or drop by and chat with her on her blog (Selena Robins Musings).

Have you met-a-phor that doesn't make sense?

Metaphors---we all use them in speech in and in writing so I thought I'd have some fun with some common metaphors that if you really think about it, don't make a heck of a lot of sense.

Walking on eggshells, which is a metaphor for talking to someone who has a bad temper in which the slightest sound or disturbance may send them off into the Kingdom of Royal Pissdom.

Take a bunch of egg shells and spread them all over the floor, then try walking on them. You can't. Whatever you do, you're going to make noise, crack the shells, make a mess and your efforts to not disturb the raging maniac you're in the room with becomes obselete. Not to mention, if said pissed off person hates a mess around them or the crackling noise, they may go all Terminator on you (ah, just used a metaphor for an angry person, but this I can visualize...an unreasonable anger-management candidate getting all Terminator like).

The elephant in the room is a metaphor for people to ignore a serious issue that exists and they don't want to talk about. I don't know about you, but if there were an elephant in the room, I'd get the hell out of there. Seriously, how can one ignore it? Unless you're real handy with a gargantuan pooper scooper, and even then, I wouldn't want to be standing behind one.   

Nose to grindstone is a metaphor for work hard. Now tell me, how easy is it to work with your face pressed against a grindstone? Not to mention it would be severely painful. Of course if your goal is to get a cheap new nose job...

Rolling in dough references someone who has a lot of money. First of all, if someone is a bazillionaire, they'd probably have a full staff to roll around in dough, mud or a vat of Jello. Secondly, making dough is simple and cheap to do...flour, water, eggs and yeast.

Eats like a bird is used to describe someone who doesn't eat much. Birds need a ton of energy to fly and look for food, prey on smaller birds and they take up residence at bird feeders without paying rent. They eat a LOT and often. Besides, I don't know many people who perform face plants in their dinner plates.

Foot of the mountain. That would entail some kind of pedicure, wouldn't it? Mountains are massive and I don't think a foot could hold  a mountain up easily, perhaps one can say, foot of the mohill?

Clean as a whistle. As long as nobody has already blown into a whistle, because if they did, I certainly wouldn't want to be metaphored  as my house having saliva all over it.

Have you ever met-a-phor that gives you a visual and makes you think..."Huh?"

About Selena Robins:

Genre-defying, witty, humorous, suspenseful, romantic and sexy—words used to describe Selena’s novels. A self-professed foodie and chocolate guru, Selena loves to dance with her dog, sing into her hairbrush and write in her PJ's. In love with her family, friends, books, laughter, hockey, lively discussions and red wine (sometimes all at the same time). Selena is a dragon slayer who enjoys reading and writing sassy heroines and hot heroes (the ones your mamma warned you about, but secretly wished she’d dated a few in her life).

Selena Robins' Official Website

Selena Robins Musings Blog

Visit Selena's Amazon Author Page

Dumber Than a Smartphone

I celebrated my birthday a few days ago and decided to give myself a new cell phone. There wasn’t anything wrong with my old one, but Verizon sent me this brochure filled with glossy photos of their latest models. Like a kid looking through a Toys ‘R Us catalog, I was hooked. I don’t use my cell phone very often and when I do, it’s for making and receiving calls, or using mobile e-mail. Period. I don’t text much and I’m not on a host of social networks.

I entered the store and was immediately set upon by a guy barely out of high school, who launched into his sales pitch.

“This phone can do everything. It’ll keep you in touch with the outside world, and alert you to the latest postings from your friends on Facebook and Myspace.”

“I’m not on Spaceface or Mybook,” I said.

“Are you a twitter?”

“No, and I resent being called one.”

He pressed on. “This other app lets you watch the latest videos on YouTube.”

“How can I watch videos on my tube?”

He gave me a blank look with his mouth agape. “Okay, how about this one? It gives you the most up-to-date headlines, sports and weather.”

“Why do I need that when I can watch the evening news?”

More confused looks followed but he was nothing if not unstoppable. He took a deep breath and continued trying to sell me something I didn’t need. “The built-in camera has a gazillion mega-pixels. It’s great for capturing embarrassing pics and vids of your friends and posting them on YouTube.”

“There you go, talking about my tube again. Is this a fetish or are you trying to pick me up?”

Undaunted, he continued. “If this doesn’t have what you’re looking for, how about this nifty new I-pad?”

“Does it make and receive calls?”

“Better than that – it does e-books, wi-fi, news feeds, GPS, games, photos, e-mails, stock quotes, streams movies and TV shows…”

“Will it take my temperature when I’m feeling under the weather?”

He exhaled in exasperation. “What exactly are you looking for?”

“A portable communication device that will let me call my sig other when I’m running late for dinner, or so she can call me to find out why I’m somewhere I’m not supposed to be.”

He looked at me as though I were from Mars. “That’s it? That’s all you want it for?”

“Yeah. I believe that’s why it’s called a cell phone – not a social club/newspaper/tickertape/entertainment center/embarrass your friends with secret videos phone.”

He finally gave up and I left with a new state-of-the-art-for- now phone. I don’t know what most of the bells and whistles are for but at least I can make and receive calls. If I ever want to post embarrassing vids on my tube, I’m sure there’s an app for that.

Tim Smith is an award-winning, bestselling author whose books range from romantic thrillers to contemporary erotic romance. He is also a freelance photographer. More info about his books and photographs can be found at his website, www.timsmithauthor.com.

What You'll Be Talking About Tomorrow

Today is Super Bowl Sunday and it’s a good bet most people will be talking about the game or the halftime show tomorrow. For those who don’t avidly follow professional sports here are some other things you can discuss over your morning coffee.

E-book sales soar after the holidays – The top seller: “How to Avoid Spending Another Holiday with your In-laws.”

Former Vice President Dan Quayle endorses Mitt Romney for President – Someone had to tell him how to spell “Romney”…and “president.”

Madonna will perform at the Super Bowl halftime show –Promises at least one Wardrobe Malfunction Disaster.

Super Bowl Skechers ad will feature a dog instead of Kim Kardashian – The dog was better at following directions.

Adult film actors threaten to pull out of L.A. over mandatory condom regulation – L.A. isn’t all they’re pulling out of.

Prince William and Kate attend world premiere of The Iron Lady – William thought it was a movie about his stepmother.

Snoop Dog gets arrested in Texas for marijuana possession – Willie Nelson jumped off the bus just in time.

Study shows that marijuana smoke is less harmful than cigarette smoke – Marlboro Man asks Snoop Dog to pass him a joint.

Betty White turns 90 – Still feisty enough to tackle Abe Vigoda when he went for an extra slice of birthday cake.

Cracker Barrel founder Dan Evins dies; company promises his legacy will live on – Just don’t ask about the new secret ingredient in those down-home meals.

Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe returns to Broadway in revival of 60’s musical Hair – Ignores opening night catcalls of “Show us your ‘magic wand,’ Harry!”

Sarah Palin addresses GOP fundraiser in Orlando, Florida – Claims she can see Cinderella’s castle from her front porch in Alaska.

Actress Fran Drescher says she was abducted by aliens when she was a teenager – They gave her back when she started making all those whiny demands.

TV ratings company founder A. C. Nielsen passes away – If you missed this, don’t feel bad – it only got a 1.2 audience share.

Have a super week!


Tim Smith is a bestselling author whose books range from romantic thrillers to contemporary erotic romance. More information about his books can be found at his website www.timsmithauthor.com.

It's That Time of Year Again

Once again we’ve reached the season for making New Year’s resolutions - those promises we make to ourselves that last 2.5 weeks on average then go the way of the full service gas station. I’m not big on setting goals only once a year but for the purposes of this blog, here are some things I’d like to accomplish in 2012.

1 – I resolve not to drink any more. I also resolve not to drink any less, unless I text or e-mail someone again after having one too many. Boy, did I get slapped around the last time I did that!

2 – I resolve to quit smoking. Bear in mind that I make this same promise every six months when I visit my Doctor and he shakes his head while reviewing my lab tests.

3 – I resolve to love thy neighbor, especially if she’s cute. I also resolve not to covet her ass if she’s living with someone who could take me out with one punch.

4 – I resolve to release at least two books this year, unless Resolution Number One gets in the way.

5 – I resolve to be more sensitive to the feelings of others, unless it’s another damn telemarketer who calls when I’m in the bathroom to sell me long-term disability insurance or a membership in the Fruit of the Month Club. The same condition applies to the guy who rings my doorbell early in the morning to ask if I want my trees trimmed.

6 – I resolve to be more patient with the jerk that cuts me off in traffic because he’s so wrapped up in a cell phone conversation that he doesn’t notice I’m on the same road at the same time. To be fair, he’s probably engaged in an important call, like ordering a pizza for pick-up on the way home.

7 – I resolve to respect the common sense-challenged kid working the drive-thru at McDonald’s who takes my order then asks, “Is that for here or to go?”

8 – On a serious note, I resolve to be an attentive friend, an active listener, more understanding when I don’t agree with what’s being said, and a regular guy who remembers that I didn’t get where I am by myself.

Happy New Year, my fellow Divas!

Tim Smith is an award-winning author whose books range from contemporary erotic romance to romantic adventure. He is also a freelance photographer. More inforamtion about his work can be found at his website, www.timsmithauthor.com.