A Little BDSM Psychology

Some people say BDSM play helps both Doms and subs cope with various traumatic experiences in their pasts. Many believe that submission in BDSM power exchange helps the sub overcome an inferiority complex and social phobias. This is especially true in the first and last books in my popular BDSM western series, HEART OF THE WEST.

To me, one of the most attractive beliefs about the psychology behind BDSM is that the Dominant partner is driven by his/her desire to please his or her partner(s). This is true in most erotic romances with a male Dom, in that he creates settings where the participants can explore the submissives' fantasies. As a matter of fact, it's also true in most cases when the Domme is a woman. I like to think my Dominant characters have exhibited this desire in all of my BDSM romances.

 

It seems to me that the reason so many women readers love the male-dominant BDSM fantasy is that, while the Dominant controls a BDSM relationship on the surface, the actual dynamics of the relationship are controlled by the submissive. The sub sets limits as to what can and can't be explored, and he/she has the power to call a halt to a scene at any time by using a pre-established safe word. There are hard limits--things the sub absolutely will not allow--and soft ones, which may be off limits but may sometimes, in the heat of passion, be permitted. Limits, both hard ones and soft ones, change over time, as the partners become more attuned to one another.

While not many people in the vanilla fantasize over being hurt as a form of sexual play, it is very true that when a person is sexually aroused, all kinds of sexual stimulation can produce pleasure...up to a point, of course. That's why many BDSM practitioners follow "three sacred rules" about their play: it must be safe, sane and consensual. I try hard to make all my stories follow these rules, and to reveal more than just the mechanics of BDSM play when I write scenes that match each character's personality, hangups, and so on.

I just finished writing LOVERS' FEUD the first book in my new western series for Ellora's Cave. Each of the three novels goes more deeply than I've gone before into the characters' motivation to choose BDSM play, either acting out their kinky fantasies as Bye and Karen do in LOVERS' FEUD, living a 24/7 loving Dominant/submissive relationship in SHOTGUN RELATIONS, or learning not everybody who seems vanilla is vanilla in WILD CHILD, which will be book three. 

Check my blog (ann-jacobs.blogspot.com) and Facebook pages in the coming weeks for outtakes and excerpts from these hot, heartwarming novels! I'll be announcing some contests closer to the release of LOVERS' FEUD.

Happy reading!

Ann Jacobs
http://annjacobs.net
https://facebook.com/AnnJacobsAuthor
MOUNTAIN HEAT, a Blush Romance coming soon from Ellora's Cave

Guest Post with Kelly Jamieson!

My most recent book Power Shift is the fourth book I’ve written with BDSM themes. For those of you reading this who don’t read BDSM stories, let me assure you that all my books are very romantic, very emotional and very sensual stories even if there are scenes involving light bondage, domination, submission and yes, some ventures into mild sadism and masochism. When my characters have sadistic tendencies, they’re not sadistic just because it gives them pleasure to hurt someone. They’re definitely not cruel. Their pleasure comes from knowing that their partner needs, wants, even craves sensation, and that in giving it to her, they’re giving her pleasure, too.



I’m fascinated by the whole idea of the power exchange and who really has control in a relationship. In Power Shift, Gabe is a Dominant who wants to be in control. Has to be in control. It’s often felt that it is really the submissive who has the power, because she (and I say she only because my story features a male Dom/female sub) gives the power to the Dom. If the submissive doesn’t submit, the Dom can’t dominate. But even so, there can’t be submission unless the Dom uses the power. So it’s not just one giving something to the other—it’s an exchange.

The exchange of power is based on mutual trust and respect. Part of that respect is respecting the partner’s fears and doubts, needs and wants. It’s about connecting on a different level.

In Power Shift, for the first time I explored a Dom who needs to give up control. Reagan has an instinctive sense for what Gabe wants and needs. But Gabe is in denial. Gabe believes he has to be in control, always, and he refuses to give it up to Reagan. For a Master Dom, Gabe still has much to learn. As he says, the journey never ends. Gabe learns that there will be times when Reagan needs and wants to submit to him, to give up control. But there will also be times when she needs to take control, when he needs to shift the power to her. Does he need to give up the power —or does she need to take it?

The fluidity of this in a relationship where both partners are in tune with each other’s needs and wants struck me as a power flow. This endless flow of back and forth, giving and receiving, seemed to me more like a shift of power than an exchange. When both partners are open to each other, when they care and trust and respect each other, they know what the other needs and want to give it. Or take it. And if there’s love and commitment, trust and respect, it will balance and shift back and forth.

And that is what I think draws me to write stories involving BDSM ― the journey of self-discovery that makes for a character arc rich in growth and learning and, ultimately, makes for a deeply satisfying story.

Here’s a small excerpt from Power Shift:

He was silent for a long moment, his hand rubbing up and down her back in a soothing but sexy rhythm that started a tingle down low inside her again. “See. I was right.”

“About what?”

“About you. Being strong.”

“Thank you, Gabe.”

“That’s important to you, isn’t it?”

“Right now...it’s the most important thing.”

He nodded and the heat from his hands spread through her body, that fluttering deep inside intensifying into a familiar ache of desire.

She wanted to ask him more questions about his mother, about his business, about the woman who’d hurt him, but his hands on her skin were sending warm tingles over every nerve ending. He tugged her higher against his body and tipped her chin up so he could kiss her. His mouth slid over hers in a long, drugging kiss.

“I think you’re very strong Reagan.”

“Thank you.”

Then he drew back again. “But there’s something you should know about me.”

“Okay.”

“I like to dominate women. In bed.”

She snorted. “No shit. I got that, big guy.” When he didn’t answer right away, she lifted her head to look at him. He stared back at her, his mouth open.

“I don’t know if you understand,” he said carefully. “I mean I like to dominate. I’m into stuff like bondage. Floggers and canes.”

“Oh.” Her heart missed a beat, then sped up. “Really.”

“Yes. I like to be in control.”

“And once again, I say...duh.”

A smile tugged at his mouth and she touched his bottom lip with her fingertips. “Doesn’t that scare you?”

“Um...no.” She thought about it. “Is that why you spanked me?”

“I spanked you because you were asking for it.” He paused. “I’m not a sadist. I don’t hurt women just for fun. I only give them what they need.”

“I see.” Yeah, she saw, all right. Her instincts about him had been right. He was the last guy she should be involved with, if the last thing she wanted was to be trapped in another controlling relationship.

Here’s where you can find Kelly:

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