Don't Touch That Remote! by Tim Smith

I’ve never been a fan of reality TV shows, but I found myself viewing a recent episode of Dancing with the Stars, probably because I didn’t have any drying paint to watch. I realize that we need shows like this, since we no longer have The Love Boat to offer paying gigs to stars that have lost their luster. The fall network line-up is once again loaded with reality shows that someone thinks we want to watch.

But don’t touch that remote - here are some new ideas that have yet to be explored.

Extreme Makeover: Celebrity Edition – Famous Hollywood residents show off their home maintenance skills while modeling the latest in designer cover-alls.

You Bet Your Butt – Each week, gold miners from Death Valley play poker, wagering their burrows. One unlucky miner loses his ass to a Royal Flush.

Name That Rug – Celebrities show off their tailor-made toppers, while a member of the audience has to guess which toupee belongs on which head. This could be the comeback vehicle Burt Reynolds has been looking for.

Who Wants to be a Wiseguy? – Host Regis Philbin gives some lucky contestant the opportunity to become a member of the Gambino family by answering trivia questions about The Godfather. Is that your final answer?

Under Oath – Politicians answer questions about their campaign finances while hooked up to a polygraph machine. The person with the best score gets free sexting lessons from Anthony Weiner.

Survivor: South Beach – Contestants compete to see who can get the best tan while clubbing and sipping Mojito’s.

Bowling with the Stars – Former screen idols pair up with members of the Pro Bowler’s Tour while host John Madden provides color commentary.

Straight Eye for the Queer Guy – Macho guys get in touch with their inner feminine sides between beers, backslaps, and questions like “How ‘bout them Steelers?”

The Real Housewives of Key West – Contestants have to guess who is what during the annual Fantasy Fest drag competition. The winner gets a big surprise.

Life With Tiger – Cameras follow Tiger Woods on the PGA Tour, hoping to catch him sink a hole in one off the links.

Just remember - you read these here first.

Tim Smith is the author of numerous books ranging from romantic intrigue to contemporary erotic romance. More information about his books can be found at his website, www.timsmithauthor.com.

This is entertainment?

Famous for just being famous. People like the Kardashians. I constantly hear the name, but have no clue who they are. Looking them up and I find they really are nothing. They are just a wealthy family who is watched for their shenanigans. That's entertainment? Do people really enjoy this show? These people? Obviously they do -- it's been on the air for 6 seasons.

It seems that every season a new reality show is created. And I can't understand their appeal to the public. I know what their appeal is to studios. They're dirt cheap and you don't have egotistical stars demanding perks if a show is successful.

Survivor. The first 'reality show'. Now in its 11th or maybe even 12th season it appears to be as popular now as it was in the beginning. And what is it? Is it really a show about survival in harsh conditions. Right, harsh conditions that has cameras and crew, cooks and all the other things needed to film a TV show. The fact that it's not real is why they need to set challenges to sort out ranks. What do you think would happen if a group of 14 real people was stranded in some hostile environment? Would they survive if they were at each other's throat like they are in the series? I confess I've only watched a few minutes of various shows, but from what I've seen is that this show celebrates mean spiritedness, greed, back stabbing and just about every other nasty trait people have. There is nothing admirable about these people. And they’re doing it all for a few hundred thousand dollars.

The Real Housewives series -- D.C. Jersey, Beverly Hills. Pregnant in Heels? Really? Rich, spoiled divas whose idea of a hard day is a chipped nail? I'm sorry, but I can't see the fun in that.

Fear Factor is just gross. Not as offensive as the others, just stupid. I can't watch it because it does creap me out.

The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Do people really think these shows lead to relationships? Do you really want to have a relationship with any of those kinds of people? All of the cast for these shows are picked for their looks and sex appeal. The winners are often the most vindictive, vicious people. They have to be, to win.

Can someone please tell me what is behind this near obsession people have with couples who have huge families? This is probably politically incorrect, but the world already has more people than it can handle and we celebrate some family whose only talent is their fertility? What is admirable about having 19 children? Or the story about some spoiled, nihilistic Hollywood couple who have 8 kids. Other big families, with sixtuplets, octoplets. I know this is politically incorrect but I think in today's world large families are an obscenity, not a celebration.

There are too many reality shows to mention them all, but I'm disturbed that people seemed to be in love with them. What is it about shows that celebrate the worst that people are. We tune into these shows to see how nasty people can be to each other, we look forward to watch what depths these shallow people will go to in the next episode. We talk about them around the water cooler at work. It's worse than watching a train wreck. That at least is over in hours or days at the most. These reality shows are so prolific they have their own cable channel now. So twenty-four/seven you can watch train wrecks one after another.

My greatest dislike of many of these shows is not only do they not teach anything, they also stoop as low as they can to bring out the very worst in people. It not only seems wasted time, but if people watch a lot of it I have wonder if their own behavior beings to mimic it. After all, it it's all right for Simon Cowell to belittle people on public television, then it must be okay for me.

And that's entertainment?